confusion cocktail with muddled stupor and a twist of apathy, shaken not stirred.

first off let me preface this upcoming blog with a personal statement....a forewarning, if you will: i do not proclaim to be writing some prolific insights into life and all of its wonderings in this rant (nor is it the case for any of my other various blabberings-on) so if you choose to continue reading, please understand that this entry is, more or less, the blusterings of a tired eccentric whose goal in this writing is to be completely self-indulgent in my thoughts via blogging in order to not actually act out self-indulgently. if you are at all intrigued, or are perhaps experiencing the frustration and borderline insanity (sometimes self-induced, i concede) due to the idiotic powers that be in the ever-so-eventful and popular realm of love, then by all means, you are more than welcome to continue on with me in my journey to the surreal where logic is not necessary and overanalytical skills are an absolute must. we will be turning on the "fasten seatbelt" signs soon so please make sure to have all baggage safely stored in an overhead bin or beneath the seat in front of you.....or more aptly for my purpose of this blog, please open all baggage and allow for it to spew all over you and those around you. please and thank you. enjoy your flight.

right, so here we go. lately, wait...who are we kidding, for years now the most established theme of my thoughts has been love--finding love, falling in love, losing love, looking for love, etc. it has been the staple of my mind--the standard upon which all else has been built and balanced. it has been the rice to my sushi, the rain to my seattle, the angry to my german. yes, it is ultimately safe to say that out of all of the things i could choose to base my life upon, love and all its various tangents is what i have picked. this single decision has brought me an abundance of joy--seeing how happy my little cousin is when she sees that i've made the effort to drive to where she is just to see her or seeing my little six-week-old nephew's eyes light up when he recognizes who i am and loves me with no boundaries or just the simple act of seeing a stranger get a little extra pep in their step after giving them an unassuming smile. those are all things that bring a little extra fizz in my life soda (it's the newest flavor and it is to die for...i think it's a coke product).

that being said (and firmly appreciated), i must divulge the other side of love....the darker side....the side that is probably more fit to be working the tilt-a-whirl at the county fair wearing a members only jacket and desperately needing dental insurance to fix the loss of teeth i'm assuming it incurred during the war (that's what i'm blaming any loss or personal shortcoming on these days) rather than in an overly cheesed out movie staring amy adams in yet another princess-ish role and prince charming sporting a mystic tan and brighter teeth than any human should be allowed to have (i'd rather keep my retinas on a functioning level, thanks). you guys know what i'm talking about...that part of love that, i believe, is far more heavily encountered than the kind where you slide down a glittery rainbow only to land on a shiny new magic flying carpet (with cruise control and a sun-roof) that drops you off at the top of the eiffel tower during fireworks where you finally get that passionate first kiss you've been dreaming of whilst twirling your ringlets around your finger. yes, i'm talking about....dare i say it.....the realistic side of love. that portion where rejection is actually an option and where you don't always wake up with perfectly coifed hair and a date to the sock-hop on friday. yes, in this scenario...you might actually experience a little teensy (or mind-numbingly painful) bit of heartbreak. of course that fun is generally preceded by the ever-so-popular anxiety induced craze wherein you become a different person who should be locked up in a white, padded room and given a couple of happy pills to dumb you down for about a month or at least until you lose those spiraling pupils where your eyes should be and the twitching subsides.

i'll say it, i've been there lately...in that purgatory that lies somewhere between absolutely knowing that you want to be with this person and he/she wants to be with you and the other end of the spectrum, which is to say not knowing anything or anyone other than that you are probably still on planet earth, but even that's a toss-up. so it's a tad bit ambiguous, but oddly enough it's quite easy to pinball back and forth between complete and utter resolute knowledge that "yes, this is meant to be!" and "oh my gosh....what am i doing....it's never going to happen and i'm just throwing myself into something that is sure to turn out to be a train going 100mph." in fact, it's more difficult not to reverberate back and forth between the two sides like a tennis game between venus and serena than it is to even stay in a happy medium...there's not much resting on the net before you get hurled back to one side or the other and ready to be hit again like ike turner after a shopping spree at the liquor store. i've been playing this game for a bit and it seems like i just can't win....i keep ending up at deuces, and that's if i'm lucky.

i've been considering this guy for a bit, and i feel as though he's someone that i could actually really be with. i have actually envisioned the whole white picket fence, cookouts, family vacays, soccer games with the kids...yeah, that whole super-d-duper storyline and plot where every time i smile a little star appears on my teeth with a chipper "ding" sound effect to add poignancy to just how perfect life is. that's not to say that i don't recognize flaws, because being the....how should i say.....well, i'm not mrs. cleaver here so yeah, i recognize flaws daily and i generally make a good game of sarcastic rhetoric out of those flaws, but i do feel like this guy is someone who, flaws and all, i'd be happy with. on the other hand, some of those flaws scare me a bit, but not to the point of wanting to run the other way...and so i think that's still in the green light category (i try to stay out of the red light district so as to avoid VD's and drive-by's). but regardless of the fact that i feel safe when i'm with this guy....let's call him frederick (no real relation there...i just like saying that name and also it always brings to mind a tiny brown mouse wearing a sweater-vest and a bowtie with a pair of brown saddle shoes...and really, who doesn't like that image?), i can't seem to fully settle into the idea. frederick knows me well...the good, the bad, and the not as pretty as i normally am...he knows my fiery temper, my strongly opinionated views, my sarcastic wit (be it good or bad)...and he also knows my loyalty, my love, my devotion, my artsy side....he really has a better grasp on who i am than most people. i miss him when he's not with me even if it's only been an hour that we've been apart.

i thought everything was going swimmingly and then, in typical fashion, i got blindsided and hit in the face with a balloon filled with rotten yogurt and tuna fish from the day before falling from the 40th floor of the building above me. splat! right on my freshly-blushed cheeks....nasty ooze just running down the front of me while the sting resonates on my skin from the brick-like balloon popping on my pucker-ready lips. that kind of stench stays with you for a bit, my friends. and i hate it that just when i'm sure that frederick was the one that dropped that disgusting little make-shift bomb, he comes down to help me clean the putrid mess and to make sure i'm back to glitz. that's what really throws the ping-ponging into overdrive. now i can't stop thinking "he likes me, yes he definitely likes me....oh wait....does he like me? he said that in an odd tone...oh no...he hates me...he probably wishes i would just fade away....oh wait! i got a text from him....aww...how sweet....he definitely likes me." and so the story goes. it becomes this inner battle with yourself that induces this paradoxical turmoil as though someone just poured boiling honey right onto your tongue....it's painful, but sweet. i'm at that point where one minute my heart feels so heavy that if i were to get one more tiny jolt, it would just plummet to the ground and shatter like glass on pavement and then the next it feels like my steps have become effortless because all of the sudden i'm floating away on a cloud watching all the people beneath me living their mundane lives while i'm seeing the greatest sights and feeling the highest highs a soul can reach. such contradictory emotions to be felt almost simultaneously. how curious.

why can't people just say what they mean to say when they mean to say it and then stick to their guns?? stop being wishy-washy and just do it! if you like me, then like me....throw caution to the wind and grab a hold of me and don't let go! and if you don't like me, then first off, i'm sorry for you you poor bastard b/c, if i'm being honest, i'm awesome....and secondly, just grow a set and be a man...clear the air and move on. no worries, no apologies needed. claim who you are and then activate it! loving someone is like holding a million dollar check in your hands....just having it does little to no good unless you're going to do something about it. if you don't bank on those things, you'll lose them, guaranteed. i'm worth more than being cast as an understudy for your lead role position. but in the end, if you don't get that about me on your own, i don't want to have to explain it to you because if i did, you still would never fully get it. i'm like gustav klimt's "the kiss"....you either get and appreciate the love and the passion there for yourself...or you don't. it doesn't matter how much the rest of the world revels or reviles the piece, your view will always be exactly what it is because if you were to change it to appease someone else, the authenticity would be lost and you'd become one of those hipsters who dye their hair dark and wear skinny jeans and get pointless tattoos just for the sake of having tattoos....it might be who they think they are at 19, but by the time they're 40 they've grown out of that stage and into their own self and their own thoughts. i want you to appreciate who i am always for who i am....the pretty and the not, the passionate and the harsh, the soft and the bold...and i want you to genuinely feel that for yourself, not just to appease me because i only accept authentic originals.....no façade-wearing photocopies, please. cheap ink fades in time to reveal the blank sheet of paper underneath.....so paint yourself on canvas and make it last. want me always, or have me never...love me as i am, or watch me as i go.

pearls or gunmetal?

another late night for me...i haven't been able to sleep and so i decided to take a nice long, hot bath with candles lit and the sound of crickets chirping outside. instead i've got my puppy barking at the rabble-rousers down on the street and my mind racing a million miles a minute on who i am and why i am that person. during said contemplation i found myself presented with a question: am i the girl who lives in a whirl of swirling plums, mustards, and gunmetal hues or the girl that sits quietly amidst pearls, powder pink, and cashmere?

i've never been one to pick the path of least resistance for the sake of ease or to follow the crowd down the beaten trail; quite the contrary, i've always been the one that's been a bit off to the side, making a ruckus of my own and blazing down a new route...you know, the path less traveled by. it's true that taking the path less traveled by makes all the difference; however, it is yet to be determined as to whether that path ends by walking through a field of daisies and lavender only to reach a teal-watered beach at the edge of the flowers, or if it ends by walking through a marshland and having mosquitos swarming all around you while alligators snip at your various limbs. i suppose it varies throughout life, you know, different paths leading to different endings. and all in all, i would have to say that thus far in my experiences i, obviously, prefer the beach ending where i get to bask in the warmth of the sun and feel the cooling ocean waves ripple up onto my toes. that being said, i've walked through my fair share of swamp infested terrain where alligators and snakes and stinging bastards of bugs run rampant, and, although i loathe the gouges and venom encountered in such events, they sure do leave you with some impressive scars and even more impressive stories to tell.

so i find myself, yet again, at somewhat of a crossroads in my life. here i stand, looking forward, backward, and to either side of me evaluating what to do, what to do. which way to go. honestly, the outlook from my stance at this very moment seems a bit bleak. it's one of those points in life where everything feels stagnant and rapidly fluid simultaneously. it's a bit like standing in the middle of the desert where all seems to be still, including you, and then all of the sudden the wind comes along and rushes up the sand as it reels and swims all around the sky and the earth creating somewhat of a paradox--commotion in the midst of silence. my life is paralleled to that desert right now. if you just took a look at the surface of things, all is quiet and a bit dormant, but if you'll wait for just a minute and evaluate all of the little intricate details you'll begin to see the real picture as the façade shatters and is carried away on the breath of change.

i've been breaking away bits of that façade piece by piece and as i do, i'm realizing things about myself. things that have been there all along, but were covered up by other priorities on which i have chosen to focus. i've piled all of my wants, wishes, determinations on top of the keys that will unlock the answers i need to the point that i'm having to dig through this cluttered menagerie in order to find the indigenous components of moi that have been collecting dust all these years. i suppose they have always been taunting me to find them, as voices from the dust, but the shout of my own desires surpassed those still, small promptings to the point where they were almost completely muffled out. finally, through no choice of my own, but more so through the tumultuous rounds of life, i have been forced to be still and quiet and listen to those coaxes penetrating through the debris and the calamity of the world in order that i might be humbled and taught by a force much greater and omniscient than i.

it would be quite modest of me to say that i'm impatient; in all honesty, i'm probably one of the most impatient and driven people you'll ever meet. i generally know what i want and once i've got that set, i want it now. and fortunately, for much of my life i have been able to be successful in life by using said method. but you know, all things must come to an end, and so this has. i reached a point in my life a few years ago where things began to slow down; well, not all things began to slow down, mostly just the things that i really, really wanted. the trials and obstacles, however, seemed to be racing at me with more speed than ever before. it was quite the change, and an unexpected change at that. but i must say, that through all of the heartaches, trials, hopes and then revoked hopes, i've learned so much more than i had when it was all handed to me on a silver platter.

the things i want most in the world just so happen to be the things that i have little to no control over and therein lies the frustration. but what i've learned is that sometimes what you want, even when it's a good thing and is right, isn't always right for that specific time. as you know if you've read any of my past blogs, i want love, as we all do, i presume. i want to have that passionate love that lasts forever and i daresay that's a noble desire. for the longest time i've been a bit angry that i hadn't found it. i resented the fact that i felt as though i was doing everything i could and living in a way that i was deserving of this great gift and yet i remained void of it; while on the other hand, i have watched as nearly all of my friends, family, and acquaintances seem to find the "love of their life" within five minutes of the search party being sent out and within ten they've got a ring on their finger and are walking down the aisle. finally i'm beginning to learn from this all, rather than just let it get to me....and i suspect the learning is what i was meant to do this whole time. people always say that the reason things don't happen in someone's life is because that individual isn't ready for them; i simply don't agree with that. i do feel that there are times when that is precisely the case, but there are many times when you can be as prepared as a boy scout (or, for the sake of the single ladies, a marine ;) ) and yet things just aren't happening. for instance, am i ready for marriage? to be a wife? to take care of a household? to deal with whatever problems may come along after those vows are made? yes, i am, to be quite candid. just like women who want to become mothers who are smart, mature, loving, and prepared for motherhood---they are indefinitely more prepared, mentally, physically, monetarily, and spiritually, than say a teenage girl, but how often do you hear of these wonderful, deserving women having hard times getting pregnant or who are unable to get pregnant at all. these people, myself included, aren't incompetent or ill-equiped, but Heavenly Father is blessing us with the extra time we need to understand vital knowledge without any other distractions. some people aren't so blessed in that realm, not to say that they aren't equally blessed in others. for example, i'm almost 26 years old and i'm single and alone (as far as romantic interest goes), but i have come to an understanding and appreciation for things to a far greater degree and at a highly expedited rate as compared to if i had gotten married at 19 or 20 and had been given the responsibilities (both good and bad) of being a wife and potentially a mother. there are wonderful benefits to either perspective, but i am quite thankful at this point that i have been blessed with the focus and uninterrupted communion with myself and my Heavenly Father to figure out who i am and what i'm meant to do in this life. the opposing sides--married or single, mother or childless, etc...--are both equally gifted. it's a bit like being on the edge of a canyon...there are multiple sides that people can stand on and in order to get to any edge of that chasm you're going to have to climb over a plethora of rocks, all different depending on what part of the mountain you're climbing, but all equally rigorous--but once you're at the top, no matter which edge you're looking off of, everyone is blessed with comparable views of beauty and majesty. the important thing is to have the divine guidance and faith to know which side of the mountain you should climb and how to get past the adversities of your designated course. that's the real hike...and i'm finally learning how to see through the thorny branches and unstable terrain that seems to hedge up my way in order to see glimpses of the sun peering from behind the peak of this great summit of life. all is well, all is well.

dating--archaic practice or have we just become apathetic and/or too picky?

i'm sitting here so frustrated that i could just wad up my fist and sock someone (and by someone i mean one of these really great and viable bachelors who just lacks the gumption/balls to ask a girl out) right in the schnoz and leave blood dripping out their nostril. despite the fact that the previous sentence completely contradicts what i'm about to say, it's true...i'm actually quite a great person. i'm funny, smart, attractive, confident; i'm a good conversationalist, i'm motivated and driven. all in all, i'm a good catch. and yet here i stay, year after year, single...and single again...and single some more. and it's not for lack of trying either. i put myself out there. i've dated almost the entire gambit of men out there trying to find the one that fits, and every time i'm left alone with an imprint of the stitching that this wrong-sized relationship has left on my skin. i've dated the bad boys, the good guy, the smart one, the funny guy, the shmoozer, the loner...you name it, i've dated it. and not only that, i've tried various dating styles....being very available, being busy, long distance, aggressive, sitting on the back burner, and then of course, what i always am, just being myself. and none of it works. so i decided to take a dating hiatus to try and better myself so that maybe next time things will develop into something real rather than in a frustrating and maddening ending. the last multiple guys i had dated had pursued me persistently and so i decided to take a break from that and now that i'm ready to get back in the saddle again, i'm trying out the technique of me being the one that goes after them. and here's the rub: it doesn't work either. none of it works. today i asked out this guy who i really, really like (and it's not the first time) and was, yet again, shot down. and i'm fairly certain that he likes me...or is at least intrigued by me...and yet he never accepts my invites to go out. and so when i back off to let him take the lead, he doesn't do that either. apparently he's amazingly socially anxious and is somewhat lacking in confidence but what i don't get is that i've taken the hard part out of the equation for him by me doing the asking and initiating and it still is to no avail. what in hell's bells? really? i am just left dumbfounded. i can't figure this guy out. and the worst part is, i can't seem to shake him. i think about him constantly, i get butterflies every time i see him, every time i'm out with another couple or am in one of those romantic, pensive states, i always think about how great it would feel to have his hand in mine and how our hands would fit perfectly together. i can feel this part of myself on a different, almost subconscious level that is attracted and linked to that same part of him, but no matter what i do, i can't seem to make anything happen. i guess i just get to try and learn that damn lesson of patience....which is just a big crock of bull. but nothing else i can do at this point. i think he's worth the fight....ironic that this time the fight is me waiting in an emotional atrium before being called back behind the sparkly doors of relationship manor. ugh....

confessions of a singleton

i have been thinking lately; thinking about what i want for my life, where i want to be headed, who i am, etcetera. i guess you could say i've been taking a personal inventory of "me." i can't help but recall so many of my dreams and aspirations of the past; i remember when i wanted to be a doctor (and then realized that it wasn't worth being doused in blood and other varying bodily fluids daily), and then when i wanted to be socialite (why, i'll never know....the wonderings of a teenage girl, i suppose, is the best explanation for that one), then wanting to be a successful business woman who would travel around looking (and feeling) very important and being among those "young professionals" of the world. but out of all my past wishes and goals, the greatest and most steadfast has been the hope of becoming a wonderful wife and mother--becoming "the woman of whom [i] dream," as president hinckley stated it.

so this has been the biggest yearning of my heart...from the time i was just a little girl to the time that i type this now (with a few minor interruptions, but not for lack of wanting, just distractions along the way). so i've catalogued my life and my qualities, as most of us do at various points in our lives, and i'm still left with a feeling of anxiety that i just can't shake. it feels like a quaking peach pit in the middle of my sternum...rattling and raking against my ribs until it quivers out to my arms and right through my fingertips. i recognize that many of the bases for these anxieties and worries are unfounded, but they are existent (even if only in my own mind), nonetheless. there comes a point, i'm sure with most singletons (those of us who have not crossed over the brink of marriage as of yet), when you start wondering why it is that all those around you, or so it seems, are entering into wedded bliss and starting families when you are still left cuddling up to your fluffy duvet every night, instead. what is it that sets you apart from them?

this creates a whole gaggle of questions, leading an investigative team (all comprised of your own personas in your own mind...think angel on one shoulder and devil on the other type of thing) whose sole purpose is to find your great determining flaw. this method inevitably leads you into the listing of the "not-enoughs." you know what i'm talking about: i'm not smart enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not curvy enough, not tall enough, not accomplished enough, not funny enough, not blonde enough, not spiritual enough, not rich enough, not confident enough, not sophisticated enough, just plain not enough. and once you give yourself a good go-round with this, you start with the "too-muches." you find those things that are, apparently, so overwhelming that you must be warding off every eligible mate in all corners of the world; things like: i'm too bold, too independent, too stupid, too short, too tall, too big, too educated, too intimidating, too proud, too loud, too quiet, too shy, too old, too eccentric, too plain, too experienced, too boring, my expectations are just too high. i've been doing this nonstop for about 13 years--beating myself up for being who i am, for things that really, i don't mind about myself (and sometimes i really like about myself) or things that i couldn't change if i tried...but for whatever reason the notion enters your mind that maybe there's room for change on things if it would ensure a suitable mate...or even just a date. well here's my newsflash: there's not! be who you are, and don't apologize for it. i'm not saying that there are things about myself that i wouldn't like to be different; for instance, i would love to be more health-concious. i'd love to want to go to the gym and exercise and be outdoorsy. i'd love to have my formal education accomplished, and to be one of those girls who command a room once they've entered into it. but here's the rub---i'm just not, and really, that's okay. i'm working on those things; i've recognized that they're flaws and i'm trying to rectify them. but there are other things that i simply love about who i am, and if the only way of snagging a man would be to change them, i don't think i could ever do that. i'm not saying that because of selfish motives, but many of the characteristics to which i am referring are not decisions i've made, but are actualizations of who i am, intrinsically and undeniably. i am bold, i'm confident, i'm smart, independent, eccentric, outspoken, artsy...i'm different and i always stand on the parameters with the dotted line that creates an amoeba shape, rather than the unbudging, harsh, solid line that outlines the square...and i like it that way.

lucky for me that i acknowledge that changing those things about myself would, in no way, bring me closer to the man of my dreams, but would only make me unhappy (and disgusted) with myself and the person i had transitioned into (because whenever you change the makeup of yourself to fit the ideals of perfection authored by someone else, you will ALWAYS end up regretting and resenting those changes, yourself, and the person you shape-shifted for). instead, i'm going to focus on myself and becoming the person of whom i dream, because the person i dream of becoming matches perfectly with the person i dream of being with and loving. i think that must be the key in finding true, unrelenting, resolute love and happiness.

at this point, i'm almost 26 (i know, i'm still young, but hear me out) and it is a stressor to me that i have still not accomplished so many of the things that i've wanted to badly. i don't have all of the education that i want, i haven't traveled as much as i've dreamt, i haven't had a wildly successful relationship (as is evident by the fact that i still haven't hung the "single status" on the shelf yet to get even a little bit dusty), i haven't ever even taken a trip with a boyfriend. when i start thinking of all the things that i haven't done, that's when the gaping pit of anxious tremors opens up in the center of my chest and i begin feeling like my whole life is being sucked into that black hole. enter my attempt at optimism and self-recognition--at this point, i try to remember all of the things that i have done...all the dreams that i have accomplished. i've done some great things in my meager 25 years on this earth--i've already had a hugely successful career, whereby, i accomplished another goal of mine that was to live independently in a big city; i was the business woman i had dreamed of becoming. i have traveled to five different countries so far and have been able to have my passport stamped to show my grandkids some day. i have stood at the top of the eiffel tower and overlooked paris while the breezes of france have flowed across my skin to where i could almost taste of the sweet confections of the local patisseries in the air. i have stood strong when others may have crumbled. i have stayed loyal to my family and my friends. i have educated myself on a daily basis, despite the fact that i haven't been able to enroll back in school yet. i have taught myself and will continue to teach myself french, the language for which i have such a great passion and love. i have fallen in love to the point where my soul has transcended onto a higher plain above the follies of the world. i have loved over and over again--i have been in love, i have loved my family, i have loved my friends, my pets; i have had so many opportunities to love and to be loved to the point where my life has been one filled with that greatest and most pure emotion....that is something i have always dreamed of having. i haven't yet been able to have children of my own, but i have been able to enjoy the opportunity to be there while my cousin had hers and to sit with her as she experienced her very first day of motherhood. i've served others; i've been very lucky with the fact that i've been blessed with many opportunities to serve others. that accomplishes another dream: i always wanted to be involved with humanitarian work; i dreamt of going to africa working with families who needed education, medical care, counseling, etc... and while i haven't yet been able to fulfill that specific part of my humanitarian dream, i have been able to help people here, in my own area, with various things; i've been able to be a shoulder for people to cry on, i've been there to teach people when they needed a mentor, i've established myself as a trustworthy friend and ally and that is one of the services that is in most desperate need-of in today's hectic and chaotic world.

so at the end of the day, when i'm sitting here on my couch in an old dress with a bleach-stained shirt underneath trying to set up my webcam (a friend is going out of country soon....nothing naughty!), and then when i get the thing started i'm startled by how frightening and worn i look, i guess i should bear in mind that underneath this (sometimes) scary outer layer, i'm actually a pretty interesting person...and i should be proud of that. i should also turn off that blasted webcam before i abandon all logic and reason and revert back to that teenage mentality of "oh my gosh! i look so disgusting! no guy will ever want me!," because honestly, i'm actually quite fetching when i'm not feeling exhausted and lazy (and really, no one looks good when those elements creep in!). so all in all, i'm not such a bad catch...and more importantly, i'm fulfilling the dream of moi...and working on that will give you a better sense of satisfaction, self-worth, and happiness than anything else will! vive la moi! :)

those brilliant irishmen

okay, my most recent quote appreciation award goes to this old irish blessing that i've decided to make one of my daily affirmations:

Let those that love us, love us. And those that don't, may God turn their hearts. And, if He cannot turn their hearts, may He turn their ankles so we may know them by their limping!

i love it! it's compassionate, yet real...and has a bit of an edge....so, it's much like me! i decided to look up this old blessing today in response to a mini-anxiety attack (well...not really an anxiety attack, but more like being in an irked state for a good part of the afternoon). i really couldn't understand why i was so irritated, other than the fact that i felt like my business should remain mine and no one else's...despite the fact that i practically broadcasted it over a public forum (yes, since then i have come to realize that it was really my big-mouthed, open-book habits that landed me in the pickling jar [i believe i prefer this to "being in a pickle," per sé] in the first place). at this point i am fine, but just a wee few hours ago...i was in that "don't poke the bear" kind of mindset.

and that brings us to why i love this blogging realm oh-so-much. there is that certain je ne sais quoi about it....that slight edge of anonymity--so i guess it's not so much a je ne sais quoi as it is a je sais quoi exactement. it enables me to be quite candid about emotions, events, personally-held sentiments, insights, and just all around general randomness and goofy-footed (or should it be goofy-handed? goofy-minded?) writings and wonderings from my somewhat whimsical, capricious, and temerarious paths of thought. did i just get a bit conceited? perhaps, but you'll never judge me, not face to face or in a real-life situation, because, again, the beauty of blogging....a certain bit of anonymity, thus protecting my personal and social assets.

okay, on to my real subject (disclaimer: again, i must warn you that this is a completely random blog entry...as most of mine are, and so you will be brought from one cockamamie thought process of mine to another cockamamie thought process without much warning or foreshadowing...please allow this to be duly noted). i wish that it was possible to live a completely public life without any of the consequences that come with the arena of social interaction. no spectacles, no gossip, no proverbial (and definitely no literal) stabbing one another in the back--you starting to see the picture i'm painting? i certainly hope you are because if not, i'm heading right back to mr. a.c. moore and returning those cheap acrylics. alas, i digress...my question is this: why is it so against human nature to have an intrinsic happiness and joy for one another when events deem said sentiment to be the appropriate reaction?

this is not to say that i am not happy for others when i find out that they're engaged, or just landed that awesome new job at the New York Times, or that they just found out that they're having baby #2, or that they decided they wanted to move to paris so they just up and went and are now living in a flat on the Seine. no, i'm happy for them....but can't help but have a bit of twinge in my heart of hearts immediately followed by the ever-so-present and quite popular inquiry of: "why not me?" you know what i'm talking about; we've all felt it before, and let's be honest, we'll all feel it again. you are genuinely happy for your friend's new promotion or increase....but the happiness is incomplete due to the difficulty you're having at deserting your quandaries as to why all the good stuff is hitting everyone around you, but missing the bullseye (you being the bullseye...i really hope that was an unnecessary explanation, for your sake, mate). it's human nature to want to progress and to have that unrelenting desire to reach those goals...the goals that we all have, whether you've acknowledged them or not. and so this spirals into the inevitable self-interrogation...you know, "what am i doing wrong?" you systematically go down the list of the "correct" steps to getting to pitstop a, layover b, and finally, your final destination (let's hope that it's not somewhere like memphis or fargo or anchorage...or, and this is the worst of them all, los angeles). and as you go down your little interview questions in your self-evaluation, you realize that you've passed them all with flying colors. your responses were golden and gleaming enough to get you on BBC world report (congrats, you've managed to bypass FOX news...nicely done) as a special news breaking story. so why are you still stuck living in a house with ants crawling on your counters (despite your immaculate housekeeping skills), living with your family because you're the last single one left, driving a car that you hate that incessantly ticks and gyrates anytime you break the hair-raising speed of 45 mph, and having to go to work only to spend your day in a tiny cubicle on the floor of the office building that persistently and poignantly smells of curry? day after day you do your duties faithfully and not only are you consistent with success on the obligatory tasks of daily life, but you continually make concerted efforts to become smarter, fitter, more well-versed, kinder, more frugal, more thankful, more charitable....more, more, more. and finally you reach your breaking point when laurel (really....who picks the name "laurel?" why would anyone do that...it's right up there with "brit" and "mindy") comes up to you at the monthly church social wearing her perfectly ironed khaki pants, with a pink-striped shirt with matching hair ribbon and shoes (of course), and the prescribed [and boring] pearl necklace (always a requisite for those types) so perky and bubbly that tinker bell dust seems to rise in little puffs off her shoulders with every step she takes in her (what seems to you as the walk of dread) trip to "socialize" with you. and once little miss ivory-towered pedestal finally gets to your table in the corner (and successfully breaches your "personal space" parameters...as those kinds always do), she gives a great big condescending and genuinely passive-aggressive smile which highlights her recently bleached choppers because of the bright pink frame her outdated clinique lipstick provides. and then she hits you with her happy little chirpy updates. "well," and you go ahead and prepare yourself for daunting laughs to come billowing out of her great, big, gaping mouth only to be interrupted with more high-pitched tweets of bragging, "i have biiiig news!!!" here it comes...brace yourself...wait for it, wait for it...."joseph just got the big promotion to CEO!" to which you respond...mentally of course, "oh, from his already boocoo paying job? good for you guys....so another trip to jamaica and the barbados without the kiddos, eh?" and bam! shot to the heart, and you're to blame, miss gap flat-front khakis. but no, it's not over...the attack is still in full blow "and it couldn't have come a minute too soon....we're having another baby!!! we've decided on the name 'monson fielding.'" really? i mean....really?? good, great, grand, wonderful! meanwhile...you're sitting there wishing you were pregnant with baby number 1, but the fact that you're not doesn't seem to throw a monkey-wrench in your competitive-eating-style devouring of food. "another bit of fried cheesecake with fudge sauce on top? oh yeah!!!" and you're wondering, as you scarf down another helping of macaroni and cheese with a side of extra queso, how you're going to manage to pay your car insurance this month and if you'll be able to convince the phone company to push back your payment date so that your mobile doesn't get extinguished yet again. so you sit there, absolutely and categorically gobsmacked...until you feel a bit of drool hit your cleavage to revive you from your food coma after your darling encounter with laurel.

so what is it? why do good things always seem to happen to all those lunatics around you, but they seem to skim over your head....only close enough to leave an oily residue on your hands from attempting to jump up and grab them just to be disappointed yet again. well, i think that there are multiple facets to these situations and i'll tell you what they are, in my opinion, anyways. i think that many times, the laurels and josephs of the world make things appear so absolutely wonderful....like their lives are oozing exuberance and moonbeams with little bits of diamonds expertly cut by unicorns in the mystical fields of utopia. or sometimes, it's not them making it seem that way, as much as it is us painting those whimsical details into the scenario in the aftermath of their stories residing in our own hearts and heads. but either way it happens, the real fact of the matter is that no one's life is really that full of idealistic dreams come to life...not without difficulties where sometimes the oozing of exuberance trades out for the oozing of something less glittery and more green and gooey. if mr. and mrs. perfect are always making the most convincing portrayal of quintessential merriment, than you'd do better to feel sorry for them rather than to envy them, because chances are....the harder they try to tell their story of pseudo-success, the more they're having to convince themselves of it, too. oh, joseph got another job promotion....here's the side you don't see: he's never home, he's more involved with his work than he is with his wife and kids, his office cronies know him better than the woman he sleeps next to every night...or even worse...his gorgeous new secretary does. and they're on baby number 89...great...so more dirty diapers, less personal times, no more fun, spur of the moment trips, no spontaneous passion before billy, bobby, suzy, and the other munchkins hit the hay, more laundry than they'll ever be able to get through, more strains of family finance, the list goes on. and awesome...they got that amazing house in paris....so they'll be away from their home, their family, their culture, their friends, their entire life as they know it...in exchange for a new country code. oh...and my personal favorite...a new engagement...probably a quick one (as most LDS engagements are)--so they will start a life and a family based on the two weeks they've known each other an the combined total of $300 in the savings account. you see, to every silver lining...there's also the rain cloud it envelopes. what do you think gives off that metallic glow? right...the gloomy rain against the brightness of the sun. and so it is with all life's fun little altercations, events, and experiences. every single one of them has the gloomy, dismal rain, but they all, too, have that bright, glowing silver lining. what we should all try to do a little more is to diminish that gloominess of our own situations by exacerbating the brightness of someone else's. we need to recognize that just as we are sitting there wondering why so and so has it so great, there's at least a handful more sitting there doing the same about us. life, in all it's glorious stages, is too beautiful to miss out on it. if we spend all our time well wishing...we waste all of our pennies by throwing them into a pit of water rather than saving them up for a better day and appreciating the sun that is above us this day, rather than the bottomless pit that will al be beneath us always. life will always be difficult, but if we allow it, it will always be full of joy and wonderment, as well. all in all....life is so, so good....and we should enjoy every bit of it.

aimless wonderings of a randomaniac

so here i am again lacking much needed sleep....and now blogging when i should probably be taking a nap. i have a headache, nausea, and my eyes feel like they've enlarged to the size of hacky sacks and are attempting protrusion from their original state. so all in all, not having quite a grandiose day....as far as it goes. however, i did get another amazing email this morning and should be expecting another letter in the mail any day....which means that i'm willing to suffer through the discomfort that sleep depravation will induce if it means that i can stay up to daydream some more about my mr. wonderful....which is inevitable if i'm awake at all. :) he's writing me a poem....oh so romantic, eh? i feel like i'm in the midst of a jane austen novel...he is the perfect mixture of mr. darcy and mr. bingley from pride & prejudice--not too overly positive, and not too serious, either. i have learned things about myself from him...which is an interesting concept. he has reached a part of me that no one else has ever been able to reach, not even myself. he penetrates to the core of my being, to the innermost portion of my heart, and to the most intimate thresholds of my mind. he is quite amazing.

along with the every day theme of my life....mr. wonderful.....today there has been a new element added to the mix: my love for this new change in weather! the cooling temperatures have given me renewed encouragement...they make me want to hustle and bustle around town just so i can bask in the glory of this climactic weather! fall weather always makes me want to go and buy new parchment along with coal black ink pens so that i can take notes on all the is around me. it makes me want to go to the market and buy fresh vegetables and spices in order to prepare the perfect dinner while the breeze flows through the open windows of my home and into my cozy kitchen. i get this urge to start decorating for the change of seasons with oranges and reds and jewel-toned sage greens and to go and look for hall-o-ween costumes and pumpkins to put on the porch at the top of the stairs that lead down to the sidewalk. fall always seems to me to be the real time for new beginnings. of course january is the obvious new-starting point, but fall is so conducive to change...it's almost impossible not to follow the example of the transforming leaves and attempt to become a more beautiful version of ourselves, as well.

speaking of cooking....i keep wanting to go and find the ideal recipe so that i can make something spectacular for dinner, and i'm left wanting still. i'd love for the dinner to come out like it was drizzled with pixie dust and the glow of a thousand fairies...but since that's less than likely, i'll settle for a meal that is just plain delish. the problem is that i really have no clue as to what i want to cook. fish? soup? stew? something with squashes and gourds seems quite appropriate, but i daresay that i'd shy away from eating them myself, and so i hardly expect for others to jump at the chance! i'd love it if i had a wonderfully fresh and beautiful garden right in my back yard; i'd have one part for flowers and quite pretty things, and the other part for more practical endeavors, such as herbs, vegetables, and fruit trees. i'd love to go out and pick fresh tomatoes and basil along with freshly pulled carrots and potatoes. yummmmm....someday i will have my garden, but until then, i suppose whole foods or harris teeter will have to suffice.

new year's resolutions in fall...i always do like to do things a bit differently.

well, i have decided that it is time for things to change a bit with me. i have noted various improvements that need to be made in order for me to be a happier and more successful version of myself, and with my goal being eternal progression, i think it important to invest in said improvements.

first off, i have known for a long time that i have a real problem with talking badly about people that i don't particularly fancy. i have a polished talent for finding flaws, regardless of their minuteness, and then capitalizing on them to an exponential degree. i can, if i allow myself to, find multiple reasons and factors as to why i would never want to associate with a particular person, even if there was really nothing wrong with them other than the fact that they irked me because maybe i was in an especially snarky mood at the time of our encounter. it may be to no real fault of their own, or sometimes, it may be because they really aren't such a nice person themselves, but either way, it is quite critical of me to spout of such flash judgements on them, thus condemning them before i allow myself to even get to know them. lately, i've been spending more time studying the scriptures and really delving into them, rather than just reading the words and occasionally marking the obligatory command phrases or lessons. i've really been trying to focus on learning from the scriptures, rather than just going through the motions so as to follow the spirit of the law instead of just following the letter of it. it didn't take much of this study before i started to be inspired to change; i daresay i was even chastised because of my behavior to the point of self-shame immediately followed with an urgent need to rectify my wrong-doings and improve my attitude and actions in the future. and then, the real clincher came to me last night as i was reading in the Book of Mormon before i went to sleep. i decided to read alma chapter 5 in hopes of finding some answers to questions that i had (more on the topic of life-decision-type questions, rather than what i actually found), because President Cottrall (the mission president here in the NCRM) said in a recent talk that "all answers can be found in the Book of Mormon, if not by the words on the pages, then by the Spirit that will manifest itself through the studying of that Book." well, as i was reading the words of Alma to the people of Zarahemla, among very serious cries of repentance to the people for some very grievous sins, was this plea:

"And again I say unto you, is there one among you that doth make a mock of his brother, or that heapeth upon him persecutions? Wo unto such an one, for he is not prepared, and the time is at hand that he must repent or he cannot be saved! Yea, even wo unto all ye workers of iniquity; repent, repent, for the Lord God hath spoken it!"

there isn't much mincing of words here, so as you can imagine, it cut through to my soul and i decided even more resolutely that my goal for right now is to teach myself how to speak more kindly of those around me. it's a funny concept, actually, because i'm always the tender-heart as far as wanting to help those in need, wanting to save an animal, wanting to make things better for others regardless of the magnitude of the sacrifice involved to do so...and yet, i neglected to realize that i was abandoning my own responsibilities of goodwill on the most elementary level. simple things like biting my tongue when there's a driver in front of me going much slower than my preferred speed, or not making a joke about the guy walking in front of me wearing pink crocs with a mullet and a chomo mustache, or instead of letting myself be annoyed with the very excitable and overly-bubbly lady at church, looking at why she's so happy and appreciating that. it's a very basic level of humanity, and yet, it's the one that i've most heinously deserted. so that is my resolution numero uno: speak kind words and have a more positive and uplifting outlook and attitude.

secondly, i've allowed myself to totally neglect any responsibility i have to live a physically healthy life. i have completely surrendered to the enticing complex carbohydrates that do so easily beset me. and not only have i indulged in those "oh, i should really only eat this once in a blue moon" type of foods on a quite regular basis, but i have completely marooned any attempt or impulse to go to the gym or engage in physical activity that may induce sweat to any degree. i'm tired of it! after scarfing down that cold lo mein from last night's chinese dinner, i'm left with oil smudges on my lips and less energy than it takes to pull the sock off my foot. quite the sad picture, if i do say so myself. so it's time for a change, and that's for sure. perhaps i'll follow president obama's slogan of "yes, we can" and just put it into "yes, i can....put down that bucket of cotton-candy and the half-melted snickers bar, and instead, give those new jogging shoes a run for their money." it's worth a shot, right? another one of my little justifications is that "oh, i haven't eaten all day so i have the extra calories to use for dinner," but, right off the bat, that's not a real healthy way of thinking...and also, generally those calories for dinner seem to also cover "extra" calories for nighttime snacking on candies, sodas, and then, of course, the midnight snack. riiiiight, it doesn't actually work like that, but once i've got it in my mind, i convince myself rather quickly that it's fine....no worries...hakuna matata. all the while i'm actually becoming that much closer to having the figure of pumbaa, rather than just taking on his care-free motto. and thus we are brought to resolution number two: begin eating healthy foods, regardless of previous daily caloric intake; also, exercise whether it's at the gym or by going for a walk down to the lake, and the topper....lose at least 20 lbs. by january 2010.

as for other resolutions, i have many. for instance, continue practicing my french. someday, i will be able to parler with the best of them. also, get back to my writings; it's something that i'm talented with and that i thoroughly enjoy and so there is no reason as to why i'm not spending more time writing and less time vegging out on the couch. i have countless renovations to be made before i reach my final product state...but i'm working on it, all the while. to quote "the darjeeling limited"--

francis: i guess i've still got a lot of healing to do.
jack: gettin there, though.
peter: anyway, it's definitely going to add a lot of character to you.

so the way i see it, by this end of this all...after all my shortcomings, failures, offenses, heartbreaks, etcetera...my character will be stellar...i might even be to the point of movin' on up to the eastside....dare i say it?? yes, i dare...to a deluxe apartment in the sky. :)