confessions of a singleton

i have been thinking lately; thinking about what i want for my life, where i want to be headed, who i am, etcetera. i guess you could say i've been taking a personal inventory of "me." i can't help but recall so many of my dreams and aspirations of the past; i remember when i wanted to be a doctor (and then realized that it wasn't worth being doused in blood and other varying bodily fluids daily), and then when i wanted to be socialite (why, i'll never know....the wonderings of a teenage girl, i suppose, is the best explanation for that one), then wanting to be a successful business woman who would travel around looking (and feeling) very important and being among those "young professionals" of the world. but out of all my past wishes and goals, the greatest and most steadfast has been the hope of becoming a wonderful wife and mother--becoming "the woman of whom [i] dream," as president hinckley stated it.

so this has been the biggest yearning of my heart...from the time i was just a little girl to the time that i type this now (with a few minor interruptions, but not for lack of wanting, just distractions along the way). so i've catalogued my life and my qualities, as most of us do at various points in our lives, and i'm still left with a feeling of anxiety that i just can't shake. it feels like a quaking peach pit in the middle of my sternum...rattling and raking against my ribs until it quivers out to my arms and right through my fingertips. i recognize that many of the bases for these anxieties and worries are unfounded, but they are existent (even if only in my own mind), nonetheless. there comes a point, i'm sure with most singletons (those of us who have not crossed over the brink of marriage as of yet), when you start wondering why it is that all those around you, or so it seems, are entering into wedded bliss and starting families when you are still left cuddling up to your fluffy duvet every night, instead. what is it that sets you apart from them?

this creates a whole gaggle of questions, leading an investigative team (all comprised of your own personas in your own mind...think angel on one shoulder and devil on the other type of thing) whose sole purpose is to find your great determining flaw. this method inevitably leads you into the listing of the "not-enoughs." you know what i'm talking about: i'm not smart enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not curvy enough, not tall enough, not accomplished enough, not funny enough, not blonde enough, not spiritual enough, not rich enough, not confident enough, not sophisticated enough, just plain not enough. and once you give yourself a good go-round with this, you start with the "too-muches." you find those things that are, apparently, so overwhelming that you must be warding off every eligible mate in all corners of the world; things like: i'm too bold, too independent, too stupid, too short, too tall, too big, too educated, too intimidating, too proud, too loud, too quiet, too shy, too old, too eccentric, too plain, too experienced, too boring, my expectations are just too high. i've been doing this nonstop for about 13 years--beating myself up for being who i am, for things that really, i don't mind about myself (and sometimes i really like about myself) or things that i couldn't change if i tried...but for whatever reason the notion enters your mind that maybe there's room for change on things if it would ensure a suitable mate...or even just a date. well here's my newsflash: there's not! be who you are, and don't apologize for it. i'm not saying that there are things about myself that i wouldn't like to be different; for instance, i would love to be more health-concious. i'd love to want to go to the gym and exercise and be outdoorsy. i'd love to have my formal education accomplished, and to be one of those girls who command a room once they've entered into it. but here's the rub---i'm just not, and really, that's okay. i'm working on those things; i've recognized that they're flaws and i'm trying to rectify them. but there are other things that i simply love about who i am, and if the only way of snagging a man would be to change them, i don't think i could ever do that. i'm not saying that because of selfish motives, but many of the characteristics to which i am referring are not decisions i've made, but are actualizations of who i am, intrinsically and undeniably. i am bold, i'm confident, i'm smart, independent, eccentric, outspoken, artsy...i'm different and i always stand on the parameters with the dotted line that creates an amoeba shape, rather than the unbudging, harsh, solid line that outlines the square...and i like it that way.

lucky for me that i acknowledge that changing those things about myself would, in no way, bring me closer to the man of my dreams, but would only make me unhappy (and disgusted) with myself and the person i had transitioned into (because whenever you change the makeup of yourself to fit the ideals of perfection authored by someone else, you will ALWAYS end up regretting and resenting those changes, yourself, and the person you shape-shifted for). instead, i'm going to focus on myself and becoming the person of whom i dream, because the person i dream of becoming matches perfectly with the person i dream of being with and loving. i think that must be the key in finding true, unrelenting, resolute love and happiness.

at this point, i'm almost 26 (i know, i'm still young, but hear me out) and it is a stressor to me that i have still not accomplished so many of the things that i've wanted to badly. i don't have all of the education that i want, i haven't traveled as much as i've dreamt, i haven't had a wildly successful relationship (as is evident by the fact that i still haven't hung the "single status" on the shelf yet to get even a little bit dusty), i haven't ever even taken a trip with a boyfriend. when i start thinking of all the things that i haven't done, that's when the gaping pit of anxious tremors opens up in the center of my chest and i begin feeling like my whole life is being sucked into that black hole. enter my attempt at optimism and self-recognition--at this point, i try to remember all of the things that i have done...all the dreams that i have accomplished. i've done some great things in my meager 25 years on this earth--i've already had a hugely successful career, whereby, i accomplished another goal of mine that was to live independently in a big city; i was the business woman i had dreamed of becoming. i have traveled to five different countries so far and have been able to have my passport stamped to show my grandkids some day. i have stood at the top of the eiffel tower and overlooked paris while the breezes of france have flowed across my skin to where i could almost taste of the sweet confections of the local patisseries in the air. i have stood strong when others may have crumbled. i have stayed loyal to my family and my friends. i have educated myself on a daily basis, despite the fact that i haven't been able to enroll back in school yet. i have taught myself and will continue to teach myself french, the language for which i have such a great passion and love. i have fallen in love to the point where my soul has transcended onto a higher plain above the follies of the world. i have loved over and over again--i have been in love, i have loved my family, i have loved my friends, my pets; i have had so many opportunities to love and to be loved to the point where my life has been one filled with that greatest and most pure emotion....that is something i have always dreamed of having. i haven't yet been able to have children of my own, but i have been able to enjoy the opportunity to be there while my cousin had hers and to sit with her as she experienced her very first day of motherhood. i've served others; i've been very lucky with the fact that i've been blessed with many opportunities to serve others. that accomplishes another dream: i always wanted to be involved with humanitarian work; i dreamt of going to africa working with families who needed education, medical care, counseling, etc... and while i haven't yet been able to fulfill that specific part of my humanitarian dream, i have been able to help people here, in my own area, with various things; i've been able to be a shoulder for people to cry on, i've been there to teach people when they needed a mentor, i've established myself as a trustworthy friend and ally and that is one of the services that is in most desperate need-of in today's hectic and chaotic world.

so at the end of the day, when i'm sitting here on my couch in an old dress with a bleach-stained shirt underneath trying to set up my webcam (a friend is going out of country soon....nothing naughty!), and then when i get the thing started i'm startled by how frightening and worn i look, i guess i should bear in mind that underneath this (sometimes) scary outer layer, i'm actually a pretty interesting person...and i should be proud of that. i should also turn off that blasted webcam before i abandon all logic and reason and revert back to that teenage mentality of "oh my gosh! i look so disgusting! no guy will ever want me!," because honestly, i'm actually quite fetching when i'm not feeling exhausted and lazy (and really, no one looks good when those elements creep in!). so all in all, i'm not such a bad catch...and more importantly, i'm fulfilling the dream of moi...and working on that will give you a better sense of satisfaction, self-worth, and happiness than anything else will! vive la moi! :)

those brilliant irishmen

okay, my most recent quote appreciation award goes to this old irish blessing that i've decided to make one of my daily affirmations:

Let those that love us, love us. And those that don't, may God turn their hearts. And, if He cannot turn their hearts, may He turn their ankles so we may know them by their limping!

i love it! it's compassionate, yet real...and has a bit of an edge....so, it's much like me! i decided to look up this old blessing today in response to a mini-anxiety attack (well...not really an anxiety attack, but more like being in an irked state for a good part of the afternoon). i really couldn't understand why i was so irritated, other than the fact that i felt like my business should remain mine and no one else's...despite the fact that i practically broadcasted it over a public forum (yes, since then i have come to realize that it was really my big-mouthed, open-book habits that landed me in the pickling jar [i believe i prefer this to "being in a pickle," per sé] in the first place). at this point i am fine, but just a wee few hours ago...i was in that "don't poke the bear" kind of mindset.

and that brings us to why i love this blogging realm oh-so-much. there is that certain je ne sais quoi about it....that slight edge of anonymity--so i guess it's not so much a je ne sais quoi as it is a je sais quoi exactement. it enables me to be quite candid about emotions, events, personally-held sentiments, insights, and just all around general randomness and goofy-footed (or should it be goofy-handed? goofy-minded?) writings and wonderings from my somewhat whimsical, capricious, and temerarious paths of thought. did i just get a bit conceited? perhaps, but you'll never judge me, not face to face or in a real-life situation, because, again, the beauty of blogging....a certain bit of anonymity, thus protecting my personal and social assets.

okay, on to my real subject (disclaimer: again, i must warn you that this is a completely random blog entry...as most of mine are, and so you will be brought from one cockamamie thought process of mine to another cockamamie thought process without much warning or foreshadowing...please allow this to be duly noted). i wish that it was possible to live a completely public life without any of the consequences that come with the arena of social interaction. no spectacles, no gossip, no proverbial (and definitely no literal) stabbing one another in the back--you starting to see the picture i'm painting? i certainly hope you are because if not, i'm heading right back to mr. a.c. moore and returning those cheap acrylics. alas, i digress...my question is this: why is it so against human nature to have an intrinsic happiness and joy for one another when events deem said sentiment to be the appropriate reaction?

this is not to say that i am not happy for others when i find out that they're engaged, or just landed that awesome new job at the New York Times, or that they just found out that they're having baby #2, or that they decided they wanted to move to paris so they just up and went and are now living in a flat on the Seine. no, i'm happy for them....but can't help but have a bit of twinge in my heart of hearts immediately followed by the ever-so-present and quite popular inquiry of: "why not me?" you know what i'm talking about; we've all felt it before, and let's be honest, we'll all feel it again. you are genuinely happy for your friend's new promotion or increase....but the happiness is incomplete due to the difficulty you're having at deserting your quandaries as to why all the good stuff is hitting everyone around you, but missing the bullseye (you being the bullseye...i really hope that was an unnecessary explanation, for your sake, mate). it's human nature to want to progress and to have that unrelenting desire to reach those goals...the goals that we all have, whether you've acknowledged them or not. and so this spirals into the inevitable self-interrogation...you know, "what am i doing wrong?" you systematically go down the list of the "correct" steps to getting to pitstop a, layover b, and finally, your final destination (let's hope that it's not somewhere like memphis or fargo or anchorage...or, and this is the worst of them all, los angeles). and as you go down your little interview questions in your self-evaluation, you realize that you've passed them all with flying colors. your responses were golden and gleaming enough to get you on BBC world report (congrats, you've managed to bypass FOX news...nicely done) as a special news breaking story. so why are you still stuck living in a house with ants crawling on your counters (despite your immaculate housekeeping skills), living with your family because you're the last single one left, driving a car that you hate that incessantly ticks and gyrates anytime you break the hair-raising speed of 45 mph, and having to go to work only to spend your day in a tiny cubicle on the floor of the office building that persistently and poignantly smells of curry? day after day you do your duties faithfully and not only are you consistent with success on the obligatory tasks of daily life, but you continually make concerted efforts to become smarter, fitter, more well-versed, kinder, more frugal, more thankful, more charitable....more, more, more. and finally you reach your breaking point when laurel (really....who picks the name "laurel?" why would anyone do that...it's right up there with "brit" and "mindy") comes up to you at the monthly church social wearing her perfectly ironed khaki pants, with a pink-striped shirt with matching hair ribbon and shoes (of course), and the prescribed [and boring] pearl necklace (always a requisite for those types) so perky and bubbly that tinker bell dust seems to rise in little puffs off her shoulders with every step she takes in her (what seems to you as the walk of dread) trip to "socialize" with you. and once little miss ivory-towered pedestal finally gets to your table in the corner (and successfully breaches your "personal space" parameters...as those kinds always do), she gives a great big condescending and genuinely passive-aggressive smile which highlights her recently bleached choppers because of the bright pink frame her outdated clinique lipstick provides. and then she hits you with her happy little chirpy updates. "well," and you go ahead and prepare yourself for daunting laughs to come billowing out of her great, big, gaping mouth only to be interrupted with more high-pitched tweets of bragging, "i have biiiig news!!!" here it comes...brace yourself...wait for it, wait for it...."joseph just got the big promotion to CEO!" to which you respond...mentally of course, "oh, from his already boocoo paying job? good for you guys....so another trip to jamaica and the barbados without the kiddos, eh?" and bam! shot to the heart, and you're to blame, miss gap flat-front khakis. but no, it's not over...the attack is still in full blow "and it couldn't have come a minute too soon....we're having another baby!!! we've decided on the name 'monson fielding.'" really? i mean....really?? good, great, grand, wonderful! meanwhile...you're sitting there wishing you were pregnant with baby number 1, but the fact that you're not doesn't seem to throw a monkey-wrench in your competitive-eating-style devouring of food. "another bit of fried cheesecake with fudge sauce on top? oh yeah!!!" and you're wondering, as you scarf down another helping of macaroni and cheese with a side of extra queso, how you're going to manage to pay your car insurance this month and if you'll be able to convince the phone company to push back your payment date so that your mobile doesn't get extinguished yet again. so you sit there, absolutely and categorically gobsmacked...until you feel a bit of drool hit your cleavage to revive you from your food coma after your darling encounter with laurel.

so what is it? why do good things always seem to happen to all those lunatics around you, but they seem to skim over your head....only close enough to leave an oily residue on your hands from attempting to jump up and grab them just to be disappointed yet again. well, i think that there are multiple facets to these situations and i'll tell you what they are, in my opinion, anyways. i think that many times, the laurels and josephs of the world make things appear so absolutely wonderful....like their lives are oozing exuberance and moonbeams with little bits of diamonds expertly cut by unicorns in the mystical fields of utopia. or sometimes, it's not them making it seem that way, as much as it is us painting those whimsical details into the scenario in the aftermath of their stories residing in our own hearts and heads. but either way it happens, the real fact of the matter is that no one's life is really that full of idealistic dreams come to life...not without difficulties where sometimes the oozing of exuberance trades out for the oozing of something less glittery and more green and gooey. if mr. and mrs. perfect are always making the most convincing portrayal of quintessential merriment, than you'd do better to feel sorry for them rather than to envy them, because chances are....the harder they try to tell their story of pseudo-success, the more they're having to convince themselves of it, too. oh, joseph got another job promotion....here's the side you don't see: he's never home, he's more involved with his work than he is with his wife and kids, his office cronies know him better than the woman he sleeps next to every night...or even worse...his gorgeous new secretary does. and they're on baby number 89...great...so more dirty diapers, less personal times, no more fun, spur of the moment trips, no spontaneous passion before billy, bobby, suzy, and the other munchkins hit the hay, more laundry than they'll ever be able to get through, more strains of family finance, the list goes on. and awesome...they got that amazing house in paris....so they'll be away from their home, their family, their culture, their friends, their entire life as they know it...in exchange for a new country code. oh...and my personal favorite...a new engagement...probably a quick one (as most LDS engagements are)--so they will start a life and a family based on the two weeks they've known each other an the combined total of $300 in the savings account. you see, to every silver lining...there's also the rain cloud it envelopes. what do you think gives off that metallic glow? right...the gloomy rain against the brightness of the sun. and so it is with all life's fun little altercations, events, and experiences. every single one of them has the gloomy, dismal rain, but they all, too, have that bright, glowing silver lining. what we should all try to do a little more is to diminish that gloominess of our own situations by exacerbating the brightness of someone else's. we need to recognize that just as we are sitting there wondering why so and so has it so great, there's at least a handful more sitting there doing the same about us. life, in all it's glorious stages, is too beautiful to miss out on it. if we spend all our time well wishing...we waste all of our pennies by throwing them into a pit of water rather than saving them up for a better day and appreciating the sun that is above us this day, rather than the bottomless pit that will al be beneath us always. life will always be difficult, but if we allow it, it will always be full of joy and wonderment, as well. all in all....life is so, so good....and we should enjoy every bit of it.

aimless wonderings of a randomaniac

so here i am again lacking much needed sleep....and now blogging when i should probably be taking a nap. i have a headache, nausea, and my eyes feel like they've enlarged to the size of hacky sacks and are attempting protrusion from their original state. so all in all, not having quite a grandiose day....as far as it goes. however, i did get another amazing email this morning and should be expecting another letter in the mail any day....which means that i'm willing to suffer through the discomfort that sleep depravation will induce if it means that i can stay up to daydream some more about my mr. wonderful....which is inevitable if i'm awake at all. :) he's writing me a poem....oh so romantic, eh? i feel like i'm in the midst of a jane austen novel...he is the perfect mixture of mr. darcy and mr. bingley from pride & prejudice--not too overly positive, and not too serious, either. i have learned things about myself from him...which is an interesting concept. he has reached a part of me that no one else has ever been able to reach, not even myself. he penetrates to the core of my being, to the innermost portion of my heart, and to the most intimate thresholds of my mind. he is quite amazing.

along with the every day theme of my life....mr. wonderful.....today there has been a new element added to the mix: my love for this new change in weather! the cooling temperatures have given me renewed encouragement...they make me want to hustle and bustle around town just so i can bask in the glory of this climactic weather! fall weather always makes me want to go and buy new parchment along with coal black ink pens so that i can take notes on all the is around me. it makes me want to go to the market and buy fresh vegetables and spices in order to prepare the perfect dinner while the breeze flows through the open windows of my home and into my cozy kitchen. i get this urge to start decorating for the change of seasons with oranges and reds and jewel-toned sage greens and to go and look for hall-o-ween costumes and pumpkins to put on the porch at the top of the stairs that lead down to the sidewalk. fall always seems to me to be the real time for new beginnings. of course january is the obvious new-starting point, but fall is so conducive to change...it's almost impossible not to follow the example of the transforming leaves and attempt to become a more beautiful version of ourselves, as well.

speaking of cooking....i keep wanting to go and find the ideal recipe so that i can make something spectacular for dinner, and i'm left wanting still. i'd love for the dinner to come out like it was drizzled with pixie dust and the glow of a thousand fairies...but since that's less than likely, i'll settle for a meal that is just plain delish. the problem is that i really have no clue as to what i want to cook. fish? soup? stew? something with squashes and gourds seems quite appropriate, but i daresay that i'd shy away from eating them myself, and so i hardly expect for others to jump at the chance! i'd love it if i had a wonderfully fresh and beautiful garden right in my back yard; i'd have one part for flowers and quite pretty things, and the other part for more practical endeavors, such as herbs, vegetables, and fruit trees. i'd love to go out and pick fresh tomatoes and basil along with freshly pulled carrots and potatoes. yummmmm....someday i will have my garden, but until then, i suppose whole foods or harris teeter will have to suffice.