you always think you know who you are; even those individuals who are spectated upon by other bystanders who think, "wow, they're so lost, " even feel that they, surely, know themselves. i think, however, that it is not until you realize that you, in all actuality, know but a fraction of your real self...that is when one begins to truly embark on the journey of self-acquaintance. the older i get the more i learn about myself by realizing that what i was sure of just last week has now taken on a different meaning and, consequently, i have yet again evolved into a new stage of moi.
i continually learn new things that i am interested in, or react to a situation in form x rather than the assumed form a or b, or find that i can do things that i, at one point, thought were entirely out of my realm of possibilities. and then there are the times when i find myself doing something that i always knew i was capable of, but never thought i'd have to put to use again. as i attempt to stand outside the windows of my life and gaze in at the happenings and events taking place in the life and times of anna b. nana (aka moi), i learn that i am a creature of habit (as we all are, to some varying degree) and that my life is a cyclic one...even if the details of the cycles are dramatically different....the origins and foundations of them are most often times very much the same.
as i have moved on to yet another new stage of my life, i've found myself back in many of my pre-existing cycles...or, i suppose, i find myself in new cycles of recycled bases. for instance, i am, for what seems like the hundredth time in the last five years, close to embarking on another move, another new home. this is something i'm very excited about, despite the dread i have for packing and unpacking yet again. i'm looking to reconstitute the semblance of a career for myself and my future; i will be going back to school soon, majoring in a new field, and taking my life by storm in that realm. but the most exciting repeating cycle is always love...l'amour, l'amour...is there really anything else?
so now it is that i find myself back in the throws of love....or at least the hopes of what will be the throws of love. and i know that the safest thing to do would be to concentrate on the sure things in my life right now and to put this whole love "nonsense" out of my head....but i just can't bring myself to do it. i can't help that every waking moment is filled with thoughts of him....and that they continue to be so saturated with him throughout every second of my day....and that when the night comes, and i finally drift off to sleep, that my dreams are filled with him. it's not in an obsessive way, although i recognize that by this description it may appear otherwise, but really, it's not obsessive. actually, it's quite a pure concern and care for him...a real love that penetrates to the very core of me and quakes my heart and then reverberates off of my very soul. it's as if my happiness, in order for it to be whole and true, requires his happiness to be whole and true, too. and we depend on each other for that, i think. he tells me the most amazing things...things that you read in the works of shakespeare and jane austen, or that you see on those heart-wrenching romantic movies like "gone with the wind" or "love actually." never in my life has a man taken such great care with me and with my heart. he makes sure that there is never any doubt in my mind about how he feels about me, how he appreciates me, how he needs me. we write letters...actual letters....and, of course, emails...and although we've been best friends for years, these written conversations penetrate my heart so deeply that they almost make me thankful that we're having to spend some time apart for right now.
i can't help but to daydream about my future, and always, he is there. i want to be with this man forever; in fact, i can't envision myself without him. he makes me joyful to be alive and to be who i am and where i am; he allows me to become the happiest version of myself. after all of the trials and hard times that have happened in my life, he is what helps me to see that it was all worth it...that he was and is all worth it. we love with a love that is more than love. he quenches the thirst of my soul....i crave him, his words, his loyalty, his laughter, his presence, his love....all that he is. i never could have dreamt a more perfect compliment to me than him. we are a perfect fit.
and so, for now....i'm not going to lie to myself and pretend that i'm not going to think about him or that i'm not going to wonder where this will end up. instead, i'm going to love every second of this love and hope with all that i am that this is the one that lasts...that this is my last love. oh how i wish it is. i know in whom i have trusted, and so, i will take comfort in that. i know all will be well. and i know, whether now or later, my Heavenly Father will bless me with the things and righteous desires that will allow me the most prolific and profound lasting happiness. la vie est belle, vraiment.
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