i've never been one to pick the path of least resistance for the sake of ease or to follow the crowd down the beaten trail; quite the contrary, i've always been the one that's been a bit off to the side, making a ruckus of my own and blazing down a new route...you know, the path less traveled by. it's true that taking the path less traveled by makes all the difference; however, it is yet to be determined as to whether that path ends by walking through a field of daisies and lavender only to reach a teal-watered beach at the edge of the flowers, or if it ends by walking through a marshland and having mosquitos swarming all around you while alligators snip at your various limbs. i suppose it varies throughout life, you know, different paths leading to different endings. and all in all, i would have to say that thus far in my experiences i, obviously, prefer the beach ending where i get to bask in the warmth of the sun and feel the cooling ocean waves ripple up onto my toes. that being said, i've walked through my fair share of swamp infested terrain where alligators and snakes and stinging bastards of bugs run rampant, and, although i loathe the gouges and venom encountered in such events, they sure do leave you with some impressive scars and even more impressive stories to tell.
so i find myself, yet again, at somewhat of a crossroads in my life. here i stand, looking forward, backward, and to either side of me evaluating what to do, what to do. which way to go. honestly, the outlook from my stance at this very moment seems a bit bleak. it's one of those points in life where everything feels stagnant and rapidly fluid simultaneously. it's a bit like standing in the middle of the desert where all seems to be still, including you, and then all of the sudden the wind comes along and rushes up the sand as it reels and swims all around the sky and the earth creating somewhat of a paradox--commotion in the midst of silence. my life is paralleled to that desert right now. if you just took a look at the surface of things, all is quiet and a bit dormant, but if you'll wait for just a minute and evaluate all of the little intricate details you'll begin to see the real picture as the façade shatters and is carried away on the breath of change.
i've been breaking away bits of that façade piece by piece and as i do, i'm realizing things about myself. things that have been there all along, but were covered up by other priorities on which i have chosen to focus. i've piled all of my wants, wishes, determinations on top of the keys that will unlock the answers i need to the point that i'm having to dig through this cluttered menagerie in order to find the indigenous components of moi that have been collecting dust all these years. i suppose they have always been taunting me to find them, as voices from the dust, but the shout of my own desires surpassed those still, small promptings to the point where they were almost completely muffled out. finally, through no choice of my own, but more so through the tumultuous rounds of life, i have been forced to be still and quiet and listen to those coaxes penetrating through the debris and the calamity of the world in order that i might be humbled and taught by a force much greater and omniscient than i.
it would be quite modest of me to say that i'm impatient; in all honesty, i'm probably one of the most impatient and driven people you'll ever meet. i generally know what i want and once i've got that set, i want it now. and fortunately, for much of my life i have been able to be successful in life by using said method. but you know, all things must come to an end, and so this has. i reached a point in my life a few years ago where things began to slow down; well, not all things began to slow down, mostly just the things that i really, really wanted. the trials and obstacles, however, seemed to be racing at me with more speed than ever before. it was quite the change, and an unexpected change at that. but i must say, that through all of the heartaches, trials, hopes and then revoked hopes, i've learned so much more than i had when it was all handed to me on a silver platter.
the things i want most in the world just so happen to be the things that i have little to no control over and therein lies the frustration. but what i've learned is that sometimes what you want, even when it's a good thing and is right, isn't always right for that specific time. as you know if you've read any of my past blogs, i want love, as we all do, i presume. i want to have that passionate love that lasts forever and i daresay that's a noble desire. for the longest time i've been a bit angry that i hadn't found it. i resented the fact that i felt as though i was doing everything i could and living in a way that i was deserving of this great gift and yet i remained void of it; while on the other hand, i have watched as nearly all of my friends, family, and acquaintances seem to find the "love of their life" within five minutes of the search party being sent out and within ten they've got a ring on their finger and are walking down the aisle. finally i'm beginning to learn from this all, rather than just let it get to me....and i suspect the learning is what i was meant to do this whole time. people always say that the reason things don't happen in someone's life is because that individual isn't ready for them; i simply don't agree with that. i do feel that there are times when that is precisely the case, but there are many times when you can be as prepared as a boy scout (or, for the sake of the single ladies, a marine ;) ) and yet things just aren't happening. for instance, am i ready for marriage? to be a wife? to take care of a household? to deal with whatever problems may come along after those vows are made? yes, i am, to be quite candid. just like women who want to become mothers who are smart, mature, loving, and prepared for motherhood---they are indefinitely more prepared, mentally, physically, monetarily, and spiritually, than say a teenage girl, but how often do you hear of these wonderful, deserving women having hard times getting pregnant or who are unable to get pregnant at all. these people, myself included, aren't incompetent or ill-equiped, but Heavenly Father is blessing us with the extra time we need to understand vital knowledge without any other distractions. some people aren't so blessed in that realm, not to say that they aren't equally blessed in others. for example, i'm almost 26 years old and i'm single and alone (as far as romantic interest goes), but i have come to an understanding and appreciation for things to a far greater degree and at a highly expedited rate as compared to if i had gotten married at 19 or 20 and had been given the responsibilities (both good and bad) of being a wife and potentially a mother. there are wonderful benefits to either perspective, but i am quite thankful at this point that i have been blessed with the focus and uninterrupted communion with myself and my Heavenly Father to figure out who i am and what i'm meant to do in this life. the opposing sides--married or single, mother or childless, etc...--are both equally gifted. it's a bit like being on the edge of a canyon...there are multiple sides that people can stand on and in order to get to any edge of that chasm you're going to have to climb over a plethora of rocks, all different depending on what part of the mountain you're climbing, but all equally rigorous--but once you're at the top, no matter which edge you're looking off of, everyone is blessed with comparable views of beauty and majesty. the important thing is to have the divine guidance and faith to know which side of the mountain you should climb and how to get past the adversities of your designated course. that's the real hike...and i'm finally learning how to see through the thorny branches and unstable terrain that seems to hedge up my way in order to see glimpses of the sun peering from behind the peak of this great summit of life. all is well, all is well.
