new year's resolutions in fall...i always do like to do things a bit differently.

well, i have decided that it is time for things to change a bit with me. i have noted various improvements that need to be made in order for me to be a happier and more successful version of myself, and with my goal being eternal progression, i think it important to invest in said improvements.

first off, i have known for a long time that i have a real problem with talking badly about people that i don't particularly fancy. i have a polished talent for finding flaws, regardless of their minuteness, and then capitalizing on them to an exponential degree. i can, if i allow myself to, find multiple reasons and factors as to why i would never want to associate with a particular person, even if there was really nothing wrong with them other than the fact that they irked me because maybe i was in an especially snarky mood at the time of our encounter. it may be to no real fault of their own, or sometimes, it may be because they really aren't such a nice person themselves, but either way, it is quite critical of me to spout of such flash judgements on them, thus condemning them before i allow myself to even get to know them. lately, i've been spending more time studying the scriptures and really delving into them, rather than just reading the words and occasionally marking the obligatory command phrases or lessons. i've really been trying to focus on learning from the scriptures, rather than just going through the motions so as to follow the spirit of the law instead of just following the letter of it. it didn't take much of this study before i started to be inspired to change; i daresay i was even chastised because of my behavior to the point of self-shame immediately followed with an urgent need to rectify my wrong-doings and improve my attitude and actions in the future. and then, the real clincher came to me last night as i was reading in the Book of Mormon before i went to sleep. i decided to read alma chapter 5 in hopes of finding some answers to questions that i had (more on the topic of life-decision-type questions, rather than what i actually found), because President Cottrall (the mission president here in the NCRM) said in a recent talk that "all answers can be found in the Book of Mormon, if not by the words on the pages, then by the Spirit that will manifest itself through the studying of that Book." well, as i was reading the words of Alma to the people of Zarahemla, among very serious cries of repentance to the people for some very grievous sins, was this plea:

"And again I say unto you, is there one among you that doth make a mock of his brother, or that heapeth upon him persecutions? Wo unto such an one, for he is not prepared, and the time is at hand that he must repent or he cannot be saved! Yea, even wo unto all ye workers of iniquity; repent, repent, for the Lord God hath spoken it!"

there isn't much mincing of words here, so as you can imagine, it cut through to my soul and i decided even more resolutely that my goal for right now is to teach myself how to speak more kindly of those around me. it's a funny concept, actually, because i'm always the tender-heart as far as wanting to help those in need, wanting to save an animal, wanting to make things better for others regardless of the magnitude of the sacrifice involved to do so...and yet, i neglected to realize that i was abandoning my own responsibilities of goodwill on the most elementary level. simple things like biting my tongue when there's a driver in front of me going much slower than my preferred speed, or not making a joke about the guy walking in front of me wearing pink crocs with a mullet and a chomo mustache, or instead of letting myself be annoyed with the very excitable and overly-bubbly lady at church, looking at why she's so happy and appreciating that. it's a very basic level of humanity, and yet, it's the one that i've most heinously deserted. so that is my resolution numero uno: speak kind words and have a more positive and uplifting outlook and attitude.

secondly, i've allowed myself to totally neglect any responsibility i have to live a physically healthy life. i have completely surrendered to the enticing complex carbohydrates that do so easily beset me. and not only have i indulged in those "oh, i should really only eat this once in a blue moon" type of foods on a quite regular basis, but i have completely marooned any attempt or impulse to go to the gym or engage in physical activity that may induce sweat to any degree. i'm tired of it! after scarfing down that cold lo mein from last night's chinese dinner, i'm left with oil smudges on my lips and less energy than it takes to pull the sock off my foot. quite the sad picture, if i do say so myself. so it's time for a change, and that's for sure. perhaps i'll follow president obama's slogan of "yes, we can" and just put it into "yes, i can....put down that bucket of cotton-candy and the half-melted snickers bar, and instead, give those new jogging shoes a run for their money." it's worth a shot, right? another one of my little justifications is that "oh, i haven't eaten all day so i have the extra calories to use for dinner," but, right off the bat, that's not a real healthy way of thinking...and also, generally those calories for dinner seem to also cover "extra" calories for nighttime snacking on candies, sodas, and then, of course, the midnight snack. riiiiight, it doesn't actually work like that, but once i've got it in my mind, i convince myself rather quickly that it's fine....no worries...hakuna matata. all the while i'm actually becoming that much closer to having the figure of pumbaa, rather than just taking on his care-free motto. and thus we are brought to resolution number two: begin eating healthy foods, regardless of previous daily caloric intake; also, exercise whether it's at the gym or by going for a walk down to the lake, and the topper....lose at least 20 lbs. by january 2010.

as for other resolutions, i have many. for instance, continue practicing my french. someday, i will be able to parler with the best of them. also, get back to my writings; it's something that i'm talented with and that i thoroughly enjoy and so there is no reason as to why i'm not spending more time writing and less time vegging out on the couch. i have countless renovations to be made before i reach my final product state...but i'm working on it, all the while. to quote "the darjeeling limited"--

francis: i guess i've still got a lot of healing to do.
jack: gettin there, though.
peter: anyway, it's definitely going to add a lot of character to you.

so the way i see it, by this end of this all...after all my shortcomings, failures, offenses, heartbreaks, etcetera...my character will be stellar...i might even be to the point of movin' on up to the eastside....dare i say it?? yes, i dare...to a deluxe apartment in the sky. :)

new decisions, new life.

it seems as though this last year has been one of magnanimous events, great changes, and supernal discoveries. through some of these happenings, not all of them being good or smart ideas at the time, but all leaving me with a more profound sense of self, i have come to understand just a bit more about who i really am.

you always think you know who you are; even those individuals who are spectated upon by other bystanders who think, "wow, they're so lost, " even feel that they, surely, know themselves. i think, however, that it is not until you realize that you, in all actuality, know but a fraction of your real self...that is when one begins to truly embark on the journey of self-acquaintance. the older i get the more i learn about myself by realizing that what i was sure of just last week has now taken on a different meaning and, consequently, i have yet again evolved into a new stage of moi.

i continually learn new things that i am interested in, or react to a situation in form x rather than the assumed form a or b, or find that i can do things that i, at one point, thought were entirely out of my realm of possibilities. and then there are the times when i find myself doing something that i always knew i was capable of, but never thought i'd have to put to use again. as i attempt to stand outside the windows of my life and gaze in at the happenings and events taking place in the life and times of anna b. nana (aka moi), i learn that i am a creature of habit (as we all are, to some varying degree) and that my life is a cyclic one...even if the details of the cycles are dramatically different....the origins and foundations of them are most often times very much the same.

as i have moved on to yet another new stage of my life, i've found myself back in many of my pre-existing cycles...or, i suppose, i find myself in new cycles of recycled bases. for instance, i am, for what seems like the hundredth time in the last five years, close to embarking on another move, another new home. this is something i'm very excited about, despite the dread i have for packing and unpacking yet again. i'm looking to reconstitute the semblance of a career for myself and my future; i will be going back to school soon, majoring in a new field, and taking my life by storm in that realm. but the most exciting repeating cycle is always love...l'amour, l'amour...is there really anything else?

so now it is that i find myself back in the throws of love....or at least the hopes of what will be the throws of love. and i know that the safest thing to do would be to concentrate on the sure things in my life right now and to put this whole love "nonsense" out of my head....but i just can't bring myself to do it. i can't help that every waking moment is filled with thoughts of him....and that they continue to be so saturated with him throughout every second of my day....and that when the night comes, and i finally drift off to sleep, that my dreams are filled with him. it's not in an obsessive way, although i recognize that by this description it may appear otherwise, but really, it's not obsessive. actually, it's quite a pure concern and care for him...a real love that penetrates to the very core of me and quakes my heart and then reverberates off of my very soul. it's as if my happiness, in order for it to be whole and true, requires his happiness to be whole and true, too. and we depend on each other for that, i think. he tells me the most amazing things...things that you read in the works of shakespeare and jane austen, or that you see on those heart-wrenching romantic movies like "gone with the wind" or "love actually." never in my life has a man taken such great care with me and with my heart. he makes sure that there is never any doubt in my mind about how he feels about me, how he appreciates me, how he needs me. we write letters...actual letters....and, of course, emails...and although we've been best friends for years, these written conversations penetrate my heart so deeply that they almost make me thankful that we're having to spend some time apart for right now.

i can't help but to daydream about my future, and always, he is there. i want to be with this man forever; in fact, i can't envision myself without him. he makes me joyful to be alive and to be who i am and where i am; he allows me to become the happiest version of myself. after all of the trials and hard times that have happened in my life, he is what helps me to see that it was all worth it...that he was and is all worth it. we love with a love that is more than love. he quenches the thirst of my soul....i crave him, his words, his loyalty, his laughter, his presence, his love....all that he is. i never could have dreamt a more perfect compliment to me than him. we are a perfect fit.

and so, for now....i'm not going to lie to myself and pretend that i'm not going to think about him or that i'm not going to wonder where this will end up. instead, i'm going to love every second of this love and hope with all that i am that this is the one that lasts...that this is my last love. oh how i wish it is. i know in whom i have trusted, and so, i will take comfort in that. i know all will be well. and i know, whether now or later, my Heavenly Father will bless me with the things and righteous desires that will allow me the most prolific and profound lasting happiness. la vie est belle, vraiment.