confessions of a singleton

i have been thinking lately; thinking about what i want for my life, where i want to be headed, who i am, etcetera. i guess you could say i've been taking a personal inventory of "me." i can't help but recall so many of my dreams and aspirations of the past; i remember when i wanted to be a doctor (and then realized that it wasn't worth being doused in blood and other varying bodily fluids daily), and then when i wanted to be socialite (why, i'll never know....the wonderings of a teenage girl, i suppose, is the best explanation for that one), then wanting to be a successful business woman who would travel around looking (and feeling) very important and being among those "young professionals" of the world. but out of all my past wishes and goals, the greatest and most steadfast has been the hope of becoming a wonderful wife and mother--becoming "the woman of whom [i] dream," as president hinckley stated it.

so this has been the biggest yearning of my heart...from the time i was just a little girl to the time that i type this now (with a few minor interruptions, but not for lack of wanting, just distractions along the way). so i've catalogued my life and my qualities, as most of us do at various points in our lives, and i'm still left with a feeling of anxiety that i just can't shake. it feels like a quaking peach pit in the middle of my sternum...rattling and raking against my ribs until it quivers out to my arms and right through my fingertips. i recognize that many of the bases for these anxieties and worries are unfounded, but they are existent (even if only in my own mind), nonetheless. there comes a point, i'm sure with most singletons (those of us who have not crossed over the brink of marriage as of yet), when you start wondering why it is that all those around you, or so it seems, are entering into wedded bliss and starting families when you are still left cuddling up to your fluffy duvet every night, instead. what is it that sets you apart from them?

this creates a whole gaggle of questions, leading an investigative team (all comprised of your own personas in your own mind...think angel on one shoulder and devil on the other type of thing) whose sole purpose is to find your great determining flaw. this method inevitably leads you into the listing of the "not-enoughs." you know what i'm talking about: i'm not smart enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not curvy enough, not tall enough, not accomplished enough, not funny enough, not blonde enough, not spiritual enough, not rich enough, not confident enough, not sophisticated enough, just plain not enough. and once you give yourself a good go-round with this, you start with the "too-muches." you find those things that are, apparently, so overwhelming that you must be warding off every eligible mate in all corners of the world; things like: i'm too bold, too independent, too stupid, too short, too tall, too big, too educated, too intimidating, too proud, too loud, too quiet, too shy, too old, too eccentric, too plain, too experienced, too boring, my expectations are just too high. i've been doing this nonstop for about 13 years--beating myself up for being who i am, for things that really, i don't mind about myself (and sometimes i really like about myself) or things that i couldn't change if i tried...but for whatever reason the notion enters your mind that maybe there's room for change on things if it would ensure a suitable mate...or even just a date. well here's my newsflash: there's not! be who you are, and don't apologize for it. i'm not saying that there are things about myself that i wouldn't like to be different; for instance, i would love to be more health-concious. i'd love to want to go to the gym and exercise and be outdoorsy. i'd love to have my formal education accomplished, and to be one of those girls who command a room once they've entered into it. but here's the rub---i'm just not, and really, that's okay. i'm working on those things; i've recognized that they're flaws and i'm trying to rectify them. but there are other things that i simply love about who i am, and if the only way of snagging a man would be to change them, i don't think i could ever do that. i'm not saying that because of selfish motives, but many of the characteristics to which i am referring are not decisions i've made, but are actualizations of who i am, intrinsically and undeniably. i am bold, i'm confident, i'm smart, independent, eccentric, outspoken, artsy...i'm different and i always stand on the parameters with the dotted line that creates an amoeba shape, rather than the unbudging, harsh, solid line that outlines the square...and i like it that way.

lucky for me that i acknowledge that changing those things about myself would, in no way, bring me closer to the man of my dreams, but would only make me unhappy (and disgusted) with myself and the person i had transitioned into (because whenever you change the makeup of yourself to fit the ideals of perfection authored by someone else, you will ALWAYS end up regretting and resenting those changes, yourself, and the person you shape-shifted for). instead, i'm going to focus on myself and becoming the person of whom i dream, because the person i dream of becoming matches perfectly with the person i dream of being with and loving. i think that must be the key in finding true, unrelenting, resolute love and happiness.

at this point, i'm almost 26 (i know, i'm still young, but hear me out) and it is a stressor to me that i have still not accomplished so many of the things that i've wanted to badly. i don't have all of the education that i want, i haven't traveled as much as i've dreamt, i haven't had a wildly successful relationship (as is evident by the fact that i still haven't hung the "single status" on the shelf yet to get even a little bit dusty), i haven't ever even taken a trip with a boyfriend. when i start thinking of all the things that i haven't done, that's when the gaping pit of anxious tremors opens up in the center of my chest and i begin feeling like my whole life is being sucked into that black hole. enter my attempt at optimism and self-recognition--at this point, i try to remember all of the things that i have done...all the dreams that i have accomplished. i've done some great things in my meager 25 years on this earth--i've already had a hugely successful career, whereby, i accomplished another goal of mine that was to live independently in a big city; i was the business woman i had dreamed of becoming. i have traveled to five different countries so far and have been able to have my passport stamped to show my grandkids some day. i have stood at the top of the eiffel tower and overlooked paris while the breezes of france have flowed across my skin to where i could almost taste of the sweet confections of the local patisseries in the air. i have stood strong when others may have crumbled. i have stayed loyal to my family and my friends. i have educated myself on a daily basis, despite the fact that i haven't been able to enroll back in school yet. i have taught myself and will continue to teach myself french, the language for which i have such a great passion and love. i have fallen in love to the point where my soul has transcended onto a higher plain above the follies of the world. i have loved over and over again--i have been in love, i have loved my family, i have loved my friends, my pets; i have had so many opportunities to love and to be loved to the point where my life has been one filled with that greatest and most pure emotion....that is something i have always dreamed of having. i haven't yet been able to have children of my own, but i have been able to enjoy the opportunity to be there while my cousin had hers and to sit with her as she experienced her very first day of motherhood. i've served others; i've been very lucky with the fact that i've been blessed with many opportunities to serve others. that accomplishes another dream: i always wanted to be involved with humanitarian work; i dreamt of going to africa working with families who needed education, medical care, counseling, etc... and while i haven't yet been able to fulfill that specific part of my humanitarian dream, i have been able to help people here, in my own area, with various things; i've been able to be a shoulder for people to cry on, i've been there to teach people when they needed a mentor, i've established myself as a trustworthy friend and ally and that is one of the services that is in most desperate need-of in today's hectic and chaotic world.

so at the end of the day, when i'm sitting here on my couch in an old dress with a bleach-stained shirt underneath trying to set up my webcam (a friend is going out of country soon....nothing naughty!), and then when i get the thing started i'm startled by how frightening and worn i look, i guess i should bear in mind that underneath this (sometimes) scary outer layer, i'm actually a pretty interesting person...and i should be proud of that. i should also turn off that blasted webcam before i abandon all logic and reason and revert back to that teenage mentality of "oh my gosh! i look so disgusting! no guy will ever want me!," because honestly, i'm actually quite fetching when i'm not feeling exhausted and lazy (and really, no one looks good when those elements creep in!). so all in all, i'm not such a bad catch...and more importantly, i'm fulfilling the dream of moi...and working on that will give you a better sense of satisfaction, self-worth, and happiness than anything else will! vive la moi! :)